You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
