I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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