can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
