Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
