I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
