you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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