hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
