if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
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