ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
