happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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