you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
