It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
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Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
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I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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