I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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