I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
