I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
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Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
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If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
how does that bad decision feel?
He has the fingertips of a God
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