I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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