so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
