It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
