I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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