I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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