Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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