she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
