turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
She's the barista slut.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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