my phone needs a breathalizer
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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