i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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