someone get that fucking seahorse.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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