Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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