Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
