I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
