The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
