In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
