first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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