I wish my penis had an off switch
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
