paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
