last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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