Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
