1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
