I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
