I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
