mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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