Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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