Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
