Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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