How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
