Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
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