All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
