Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
