are you still at the devil's house?
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
