I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
