She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
