Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I am one with the molecules
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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