just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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