last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
where are you?
Hypothermia
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
